Center for Biblical Theology and Eschatology

Forgive Me

The Dynamic of Forgiveness Among Christians

Written by Joe Mizzi, Translated by Paul Mizzi

Our mutual relationships are often strained. We are called to live in peace, to be kind-hearted one to another and to exercise mercy, as the Scripture teaches (Ephesians 4:32). But we must shamefully confess that we don’t always walk worthy of our Lord. Admittedly, normal Christians sin against God and offend each other. Immediately upon exhorting us to be kind to each other, Scripture continues to guide our steps by telling us to “forgive one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

If we persist in an unforgiving spirit, the consequences are far-reaching. Many unnecessary divisions are created in the body of Christ. The church becomes like a country engaged in civil war; no wonder the world is not impressed by our testimony. Besides, Christians will suffer from heartache, anger and bitterness within their families, which are supposed to be models of harmony and unity. The name of Christ is thus reproached because of the quarrelsome attitude, divisions and hypocrisy among those who profess to be His disciples.

Why should it be so difficult for a Christian to ask for forgiveness from his heart? Or for his fellow-Christian to tell him, “I forgive you”? Aren’t Christians supposed to be experts in forgiveness? Don’t they rejoice that God forgave them freely, according to the riches of His grace? In spite of this tremendous reality, they often allow the sun to go down on their anger and are slow to forgive one another. They ignore the Word and honour of their Lord, and allow themselves to be engulfed in bitterness towards their fellow-Christians. Every sin thus becomes another brick to strengthen the dividing wall between us.

Such sinful practices must cease! Of all people, we should not be satisfied with a mediocre relationship. Perhaps you are discouraged: “What else can I do?” you protest; “I’ve tried; it’s all in vain.” True, with your own fleshly effort and wisdom nothing substantial will be achieved. But by God’s grace and guidance you will be successful. God’s command to “forgive one another” engenders hope, because, coupled with the command, the Lord has also given us the Holy Scriptures to teach us what we must do, and just as importantly, He has also given us His Spirit to enable us to do His will.

What does forgiveness mean?

Forgiving does not simply mean saying “I’m sorry” or “I apologize”. When someone begs to be excused he is not actually confessing his guilt. Rather he would be attempting to justify his ways. He would be considering his sin as something light that can be dealt with lightly. Obviously, if someone steps on your foot unintentionally, it would be appropriate for him to respond by saying, “I apologize.” But when you bawl unreasonably, or show a haughty spirit, or lie, or do anything sinful, you may not simply excuse yourself. Your duty, in that case, is to admit your guilt and ask for forgiveness.

What, then, is forgiveness according to the Scriptures? David wrote: “Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth (charge, ascribe, credit) not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile” (Psalms 32:1,2). When sin is forgiven it is done away with; the Lord no longer considers the sinner as guilty. God covers the offence and cancels all debt incurred, as He promised in Hebrews 10:17: “Their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.”

So, effectively, forgiveness is a promise made by the offended party that he will no longer mention the offence. The sin in question will not be raised up again, neither with the offending party nor with anyone else. When you forgive your neighbour, you are practically saying: “I promise you that the evil-doing you did against me will not come between us any more. I won’t mention it at all in the future.”

How do you forgive?

Suppose you were at loggerhead with another person. Now you desire to make amends. To be reconciled you need to communicate with the said person. Ironically, the same sin that separated you in the first place, will now keep you apart from each other. Some may think that the passage of time heals wounds. But time, by itself, does not produce forgiveness; it only foments mutual indifference and bitterness. You need to approach each other. This initial step seems quite obvious, but perhaps it is the most difficult of all.

Who is duty-bound to approach the other party? Naturally the offending party - at least, this seems to be the popular idea. “Isn’t it he who worked havoc in our relationship; let him, then, take the first step!” True, the offending party is obliged to seek forgiveness. Our Lord Jesus insists upon the urgency of reconciliation. He makes it a top priority, superseding even our duty to worship God. “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee, leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother and then come and offer thy gift” (Matthew 5:23,24). In other words, before attending church, before singing hymns of praise, and praying to God, it is essential that you would have done your utmost to effect reconciliation with anyone whom you have offended, even if he hadn’t any good reason to hold anything against you.

We are all aware how much trouble springs up because of misunderstanding each other. Again, oftentimes we irritate others with actions or words that we don’t even realize how offensive they are to others. So, if you’re aware that your brother is offended, it is always your duty to go and seek a thorough reconciliation with him, even if you may not be guilty at all.

As Christ teaches us, then, the sinning person is duty-bound to seek reconciliation. Not only that: the offended party is also under an obligation to seek peace. You may complain: “No way! Let him come. He is the one who offended me.” The Lord Jesus teaches otherwise: “Take heed to yourselves: if thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him” (Luke 17:3). He doesn’t tell us, if he sins against you, wait for him to come and ask for your forgiveness. The Lord evidently desires you to take the initiative; you must go and rebuke him. That is, you must seek him, to speak to him about his offence against you, aiming at reconciliation. In Matthew 18:15, the Lord Jesus insists on this duty: “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone; if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.”

It all boils down to this proposition: it is always your duty to seek the other person, whether you are the offended or the offending party.

It is wise to prepare yourself beforehand. It would be quite exasperating if, instead of effecting reconciliation, your relationship would take a worse turn. Pray to God to forgive your sins and give you a good conscience. Ask Him to give you a merciful and compassionate heart, and pray for the welfare of the other person as well. It is quite surprising how much your attitude will change when you consider the cross of Christ. Remember that the same Saviour who sends you to make amends with your fellow-brother, is the One who Himself suffered for your sins and died to free you from condemnation. Besides, it would make sense if you plan beforehand how to approach him, and what to say. That’s exactly what the Prodigal Son did before he returned home.

Holding a Conference

So you have decided to meet your fellow-Christian. Understandably, you feel nervous; you don’t know for certain how he would react. In fact, his response may take a different course from the one you imagine. He may react aggressively or impolitely. He may do so because of hidden anger, or because he isn’t sure of your motives. Don’t panic. Don’t be ensnared likewise. If you do, you will be the loser. If he treats you badly, you have a golden opportunity to manifest your sincerity. Be careful not only what to answer, but also how. “A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). If he addresses you sharply, react by speaking to him softly. By God’s help you will be enabled to open up a discussion, deal with the issues and be friendly once again.

On the other hand his answer may be altogether different. He may attempt to minimize the issue at hand. “Come, come,” he may say jovially, “aren’t we friends? Let’s not make mountains out of molehills!” Or, “It really doesn’t matter, that’s over and done with!” Look out! You are being tempted to settle down for a truce, before the giving and receiving of forgiveness. If such is the case, you should gently but firmly say: “I don’t see it that way. I have sinned against God and against you. I ask for your forgiveness. Then we will be able to forget the past and start looking towards a better future together.”

How can we ever consider sin, the breaking of God’s Law, as something light? If not treated seriously sin will definitely ruin our relationship with God and with our neighbour. Besides, with such frivolous talk as “it doesn’t matter” the other person would be evading his responsibility to forgive. If you haven’t been forgiven, chances are that in the future he will once again bring up the issue. So, with a meek and gentle spirit, insist on proper forgiveness.

How will you start the conversation? What should you say? The Bible teaches us to confess our sins to each other (James 5:16). It is rarely the fault of one person exclusively. Naturally we tend to focus on the guilt of the other person; we are much too prone to justify ourselves. The other person is very eager to talk about your own shortcomings. Be bold: take the initiative and allow the subject to be your own failures. Invite him to elaborate exactly where, when and how you have failed him. Ask for his forgiveness. In this way you will open a channel of communication between yourselves. The other person often reacts positively to such an approach; later on he may be more disposed to come to grips with his own failures.

Can we forgive in an informal way?

So, whenever a person sins against me, is it necessary to confront him every single time and forgive him formally? The answer depends on the circumstances - sometimes yes, at other times, no. It would be impractical if we have to confront each other for every single fault and failure. If it were so we would have precious little time left for other endeavours! The Bible gives us a wide principle: love covers a multitude of sins...and love is not easily provoked (1 Peter 4:8; 1 Corinthians 13:5).

Nevertheless, if sin happens to be evidently serious and recurrent, to such an extent that you’re finding it impossible to put it out of your mind, or if somehow or other it is defrauding you of a healthy relationship with the other person, it is essential to treat it formally. “If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him” (Luke 17:4). Speak to him so that he will become conscious of the problem; you will be forgiven and henceforth you will both aim so that the offence won’t be repeated.

I can’t forgive him!

Many Christians moan and complain: “I simply can’t forgive him; I feel hurt so much!”

You can forgive! This is evident from the fact that our Lord commands you to forgive. In fact you simply cannot ask God to forgive you if you yourself don’t forgive your neighbour. The Lord Jesus us to pray in this manner: “Our Father who art in heaven...forgive us our trespasses as we also forgive those who trespass against us.” If you are stubborn enough as to withhold forgiveness you will be incurring God’s displeasure upon you. You will effectively be inviting God to deal with you in the same way you are dealing with others. You will be depriving yourself of God’s forgiveness. When our Lord taught us how to pray, He adds an important comment on the prescribed prayer: “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14,15).

You may voice your protest: “How can I forgive him if I still feel angry and hurt? If I forgive him I’ll be acting in hypocrisy.” The Lord Jesus deals with such an objection in Luke 17:3-10. When your brother sins against you, and you confront him, it is your duty to forgive him as soon as he repents. You must forgive him instantaneously, not when a week or a month has elapsed. Conditions such as, “I forgive you if you won’t repeat it,” are out of the question and irrelevant.

What happens if he repeats the same offence? Quite simple: if he tells you “I repent,” forgive him. Even if you have just recently forgiven him, the Lord Jesus still commands you to forgive him as soon as he simply expresses his repentance by word of mouth. It is definitely a challenging injunction. If you focus on your emotions you won’t be able to comply. If you keep waiting for the other person to change his ways, you will fail in your obedience to your Master’s will.

In order not to forget this basic principle, our Lord Jesus tells us: “If he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee saying, I repent, thou shalt forgive him” (Luke 17:4).

The apostles were naturally astounded when they heard this instruction, and requested the Lord to increase their faith. The Lord, in response, commented about their little faith and narrated a story to remind them that, in order to forgive, they really didn’t need more faith.

The story goes like this. A slave returns to his master’s house after a day’s labour in the field, hungry and exhausted. His only desire is to eat and drink and get his good night’s rest. But, before satisfying himself, he still has some duties to perform: he needs to prepare supper for his master. In spite of all his emotional protestations, the slave must do his known duties. And even when he does all his master’s will, it is evident that he would have done nothing extraordinary. It all lies in the path of duty.

Similarly, it is our duty to forgive, even when it appears to be way too much for us. We are the Lord’s servants; He commands us to forgive one another. That’s all. “So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do” (Luke 17:10).

Forgiveness is not an emotion that we feel within ourselves. It is rather the giving of a promise. Forgiveness is a matter of the will. You give a definite promise that you will count the offender’s sin against him no more. You count it as over and done with.

So you may and must forgive, in spite of how you feel. This is not hypocrisy. You will be a hypocrite if you pretend that you’re feeling jolly whereas in fact you are not. It’s not hypocrisy when you obey your Master and grant forgiveness in spite of your emotions. You will simply be performing your duty. And the Lord’s blessings will be upon you as you act in this way.

I can’t forget

Some Christians erroneously maintain: “I may forgive, but I will never forget. I’ll be a fool if I forget.” Such talk exhibits a false excuse. The Bible does not permit us to add any more conditions to forgiveness.

But there is a different problem that we must investigate. We may desire to forget the offence but its memory still continues to torment us. Naturally this disrupts the process of reconciliation. Even though war is over, friendship won’t thrive easily.

Basically we need to distinguish between “forgiveness” and “forgetfulness.” They aren’t identical. The Bible commands us to forgive that same moment when the offender asks for forgiveness, but we are never commanded to forget the past immediately afterwards. Forgiveness does not imply a poor memory.

God gives us a most wonderful promise in saying, “Their sins I will remember no more.” But does this mean that God really forgets? He is all-knowing and never forgets anything. But since He forgives us, He will never accuse us of our past sins. No more obstruction remains between God and the repentant sinner. So the Christian can look confidently forward; he is thus assured of a sweet and lasting relationship with his Creator.

It is not surprising at all if you still remember the offence for a period of time. A wound, especially if it is deep, won’t heal overnight. But don’t allow that memory to disrupt reconciliation. Keep in mind that in granting forgiveness you have effectively given a promise that the sin in question will not be mentioned again. You won’t mention it neither to the offender nor to anyone else, whoever he may be. You won’t “open your heart” about it with someone else. You won’t even mention it to God in your prayers. And finally, you won’t indulge in self-pity, mentioning that particular sin to yourself. As soon as negative thoughts arise in your mind, turn to God and pray for the welfare of your brother’s soul. Ask Him to help you keep your promise. Ask Him to help you strengthen your relationship with your brother more than ever before. When you learn to react in this manner, you will soon discover how practically all past offences will die a natural death. You will eventually forget them; they won’t bother you any longer. To give you an example: when I was in secondary school I used to study Latin. Today I hardly know a word of Latin. Why? Because I didn’t pursue the subject; I never revised what I had learnt earlier. Even so, when you firmly refuse to revise the ugly past events, they will begin to fade from your memory as well.

Reconciliation

Forgiveness signifies the cessation of warfare and the beginning of a lasting a true friendship. But friendship is not cultivated in a moment; it is a dynamic relationship that entails growth and development. Otherwise it will wither and die. As soon as forgiveness is granted, the two parties must commit themselves to rebuild after having cleared the area of its debris. If this step is missing, indifference will set it, suspicions will remain and the same offence may easily be perpetrated once again.

I understand how challenging it is to trust in someone after having grievously offended you. But the same God, who supplied you with love to forgive, will also furnish you with heavenly love to build a trusting relationship. Love “beareth all thing, believeth all things, hopeth all thing, endureth all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Endeavour to improve your relationship in spite of all doubts and ugly memories. Beware lest your attitude should render you too wary and discourage you. “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends” (Proverbs 17:9). You will certainly encourage the brother if you show him by your deeds that you do trust him.

I will only highlight the importance of honest communication. Speak to each other regularly. Finally, prove the genuineness of your friendship by doing good deeds to each other. Look out for the opportunity to do him good.

Dear brethren in Christ, I exhort you: seek peace with everybody, and the blessing of Christ will rest upon you. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.”

Joe Mizzi was born in Malta in 1966, a country that is a densely populated island in the center of the Mediterranean. He is a member of a local Reformed Baptist church. A former catholic, He runs a evangelical and evangelistic ministry called "Just for Catholics" and upholds the Holy Scripture as the only infallible rule of faith, believes in salvation by grace through faith in Christ alone. He is eager to share the evangel (the gospel, good news) with others, especially with Catholics whom he knows and love dearly. His website is not authored by Roman Catholics, but it is intended especially for Catholics. While acknowledging with gratitude the help from his pastor and home church, as well as scores of individual Christians worldwide, He claims full responsibility for the contents of his website.